Conflicts rooted from each others' pasts

"Alam mo dati..." (way back then..)

Each time he begins our conversation with that clause, my blood starts to boil. Why? Because I was not part of his past. Here I go again. I am starting to rant my feelings here when I shouldn't be.

We were having a small conversation as I just said I would like to go to Pililla Windfarm in Rizal. Then he just said, "alam mo dati, Dun ko nga gusto magtrabaho." (I would like to work there before.) I just said that maybe because that place is near to "you know."

He started to get annoyed to me. He always tell me why I always have to bring her up in every actions and conversation that we have as he was already done with what they had before  and ended that chapter of his life.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because of my insecurity.

It's not that I am lifting my own chair, I have proven to myself that I am more than just having a good physical appearance. My boyfriend, friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-flings say that I am beautiful.

But why I feel so insecure about her? Do I have to be as ugly as her? Am I not enough to be loved that much?

What did he say? Of course he got really upset about it.

"Alam mo ba na ikaw lang pinag-effort-an ko ng ganito? Di pa pala ako sapat sayo? Hinihintay kita ng matagal sa labas ng office mo. Linggo-linggo ako lumuluwas para makita ka. Eh dun luluwas lang ako kung kelan ko gusto. Di mo naappreciate nagagawa ko sayo?"
(Don't you know that you are the only one who I exerted this much effort? So that is not enough for you? I waited you for too long until the end of your shift. I go to Manila on weekends just to see you. Unlike before, I will just go here as long as I wanted to. You don't appreciate the things that I am doing for you."

I don't know. It always haunt me. Every time.

Feeling ko lugi ako (I feel like a loser) when I should not. I had ex boyfriends. Two shits. I wasted 11 months of my precious time with those two dickheads. I never felt insecure their ex-girlfriends. Yeah. They are beautiful as well. They have a good taste when it comes to looking for a girlfriend. And I am just proud to say that I count myself as one. One friend of mine said that I stand out from the ex-girlfriends' list of my last ex. (Yes, I say last because the man I am now with is the daddy of my baby inside my tummy and now turning 17th week on Tuesday, March 7, 2017 and the one that I am going to marry 5 years from now.) Going back, I never felt any insecurity. Yes, I stalk but I don't make it to the point thinking "bakit sya ang sweet nya sa kanya? may message pa dun sa birthday gift na bigay nya and to think na nag effort pa pala sya na mag isip kahit pa sabihin na cheap yun." ("why is that he was so sweet during his time with her? He even wrote a message for her along with a birthday gift. And to think that he made an effort to think of a gift to buy a gift on her birthday). And as far as I know, it was a heart-shaped pillow.

Call me an insecure psycho girlfriend, I don't care.

He did those things to her. He failed to do things (not to mention of course his effort of going to Manila in a weekly basis and waiting for his girlfie for hours. That is given.)

This time, we often see each other. Three days in a week that we are on a long distance relationship. Monday, Tuesday are my rest days, while he on weekends. I go to Laguna after the end of my shift (12:00AM) and stay at the terminal until 3:00AM because that is the first trip. On the other hand, he goes to Manila every weekends. We are both waiting for each other to be home. I just do nothing at his home whenever he is at work. Sleep all day until he arrives. Of course I try to clean some stuff when necessary. Same as with him. There are times that I am due to leave home and yet he is still sleeping. I will just kiss him and let him sleep to my bed. How funny to think that I have a queen sized bed but it seems to be not enough as he keeps on squeezing me or me squeezing him  to each other's hug. And take note, my mom is just downstairs. She is even concerned about my boyfriend. She would ask me to buy food and tell her, "wait. I will just wake him up." Mama would stop me and simply say, "No. Let him sleep." That way, I am comfortable that my boyfriend gets along with my family. My mom is okay with having my boyfriend sleep at home. So whenever he goes here in Manila, our home is his home too as he already have his clothes in my cabinet.

Whenever I'm alone, I have this thought na "Oh, why am I here? Pumunta nga pala sya dito. They even sleep together. I am not the first girl that he brought here. To console, I could be the first beautiful girl that he brought home. Even to the things that we do in private. I still thinking of stupid things about them. A mix of jealousy and disgust comes into my mind. I am just waiting for the time that his home will be newly renovated or to be rebuilt. I am going to burn that bed. Call me immature and what not, well, this is me. He chose to make me as his girlfriend.

The bottom line is...

...I am not supposed to feel this way.

Nauseated

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