My boyfriend's birthday

Conflicts rooted from each others' pasts

"Alam mo dati..." (way back then..)

Each time he begins our conversation with that clause, my blood starts to boil. Why? Because I was not part of his past. Here I go again. I am starting to rant my feelings here when I shouldn't be.

We were having a small conversation as I just said I would like to go to Pililla Windfarm in Rizal. Then he just said, "alam mo dati, Dun ko nga gusto magtrabaho." (I would like to work there before.) I just said that maybe because that place is near to "you know."

He started to get annoyed to me. He always tell me why I always have to bring her up in every actions and conversation that we have as he was already done with what they had before  and ended that chapter of his life.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because of my insecurity.

It's not that I am lifting my own chair, I have proven to myself that I am more than just having a good physical appearance. My boyfriend, friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-flings say that I am beautiful.

But why I feel so insecure about her? Do I have to be as ugly as her? Am I not enough to be loved that much?

What did he say? Of course he got really upset about it.

"Alam mo ba na ikaw lang pinag-effort-an ko ng ganito? Di pa pala ako sapat sayo? Hinihintay kita ng matagal sa labas ng office mo. Linggo-linggo ako lumuluwas para makita ka. Eh dun luluwas lang ako kung kelan ko gusto. Di mo naappreciate nagagawa ko sayo?"
(Don't you know that you are the only one who I exerted this much effort? So that is not enough for you? I waited you for too long until the end of your shift. I go to Manila on weekends just to see you. Unlike before, I will just go here as long as I wanted to. You don't appreciate the things that I am doing for you."

I don't know. It always haunt me. Every time.

Feeling ko lugi ako (I feel like a loser) when I should not. I had ex boyfriends. Two shits. I wasted 11 months of my precious time with those two dickheads. I never felt insecure their ex-girlfriends. Yeah. They are beautiful as well. They have a good taste when it comes to looking for a girlfriend. And I am just proud to say that I count myself as one. One friend of mine said that I stand out from the ex-girlfriends' list of my last ex. (Yes, I say last because the man I am now with is the daddy of my baby inside my tummy and now turning 17th week on Tuesday, March 7, 2017 and the one that I am going to marry 5 years from now.) Going back, I never felt any insecurity. Yes, I stalk but I don't make it to the point thinking "bakit sya ang sweet nya sa kanya? may message pa dun sa birthday gift na bigay nya and to think na nag effort pa pala sya na mag isip kahit pa sabihin na cheap yun." ("why is that he was so sweet during his time with her? He even wrote a message for her along with a birthday gift. And to think that he made an effort to think of a gift to buy a gift on her birthday). And as far as I know, it was a heart-shaped pillow.

Call me an insecure psycho girlfriend, I don't care.

He did those things to her. He failed to do things (not to mention of course his effort of going to Manila in a weekly basis and waiting for his girlfie for hours. That is given.)

This time, we often see each other. Three days in a week that we are on a long distance relationship. Monday, Tuesday are my rest days, while he on weekends. I go to Laguna after the end of my shift (12:00AM) and stay at the terminal until 3:00AM because that is the first trip. On the other hand, he goes to Manila every weekends. We are both waiting for each other to be home. I just do nothing at his home whenever he is at work. Sleep all day until he arrives. Of course I try to clean some stuff when necessary. Same as with him. There are times that I am due to leave home and yet he is still sleeping. I will just kiss him and let him sleep to my bed. How funny to think that I have a queen sized bed but it seems to be not enough as he keeps on squeezing me or me squeezing him  to each other's hug. And take note, my mom is just downstairs. She is even concerned about my boyfriend. She would ask me to buy food and tell her, "wait. I will just wake him up." Mama would stop me and simply say, "No. Let him sleep." That way, I am comfortable that my boyfriend gets along with my family. My mom is okay with having my boyfriend sleep at home. So whenever he goes here in Manila, our home is his home too as he already have his clothes in my cabinet.

Whenever I'm alone, I have this thought na "Oh, why am I here? Pumunta nga pala sya dito. They even sleep together. I am not the first girl that he brought here. To console, I could be the first beautiful girl that he brought home. Even to the things that we do in private. I still thinking of stupid things about them. A mix of jealousy and disgust comes into my mind. I am just waiting for the time that his home will be newly renovated or to be rebuilt. I am going to burn that bed. Call me immature and what not, well, this is me. He chose to make me as his girlfriend.

The bottom line is...

...I am not supposed to feel this way.

Nauseated

1

Will get to finally see my love

temporarily tenant of suth

First time to feel my baby's twitch

Last work for this week

feb 16

feb 15

7410

Excited for tomorrow 💗💗💗

Excited for tomorrow 💗💗💗

Excited for tomorrow 💗💗💗

.lp

disappointment

late post

0908

On a normal working day

We just went to the UST Hospital for my prenatal check up. Good thing that we saved our money for that since I have my health card ready.
This is the first time that he accompanied me for my check up. :)
When the doctor placed the doppler on my tummy, I looked at the reaction of my boyfriend when the doctor let us hear the heartbeat of our baby. Our little angel is healthily growing inside!

late post

Feb 3

How hard it is to fight the drowsiness?

First day of the love month (late post)

Rest day 🌹🌹🌹

Past 12 midnight, I was already about to go back home.  I was forced to stay an hour longer for a meeting. I just really hate extending an hour longer at work since I am so excited going home.
It was really dangerous for me to go home as many bad people around the metro lured for their predators.
It was possible for me to go home safe and sound if only I could retrieve my car and drive back home for only 15 minutes then I would.
But I have a different life now. Far from my teenage years.

Lose your ego but not the one you love

I admit that I have so much pride in myself. He fetched me at work but upon seeing him, I walked away. I walked in a fast pace. Few minutes of walking that way made me feel bad. We did not talk to each other because of yesterday's incident. I really felt so bad about it. I felt disrespected. He argued that he opt to not to tell me that he will be going to somewhere else because I would get mad at him. No. Waiting for me for 9 hours is a no joke. You can strain yourself sitting in one place and watch cars and people passing by until you lost count. I understand that boredom strikes indeed because I have already been in the same situation when I stayed to his home for ten days. I just entertained myself by watching movies and sleeping or even thinking about the happy thoughts. I undersatnd if he'll be going somewhere since he has said that he already toured the entire vicinity of  Araneta so he decided to go to Divisoria. I could have understood if he went home to take a shower but no one was home and the door was locked (he could have texted my mom if someone was home since he got her number anyway). I could have understood if he decided to go to SM North Edsa to window shop... IF AND ONLY IF.. he had informed me.
Hell is that reason that I might get mad if he would ask permission from me. It's really a damn thing to say that he could have lied sometimes because I deprive him of the things that he wanted to do. He always say that I don't trust him. I may have trust issues but I have learned to trust him. At first I always doubt his actions, even his words. It's been more than three years since the last time I was cheated, fooled and lied on. The trauma remains but it really takes a long time for myself to get over with the emotional trauma that I had. My boyfriend made myself whole again that is why I love him so much. He has taught me so many things in life.
Well, going back, my point is that just to have a courtesy to inform his girlfriend from where the corners of the hell that he is currently in. Then there would be no conflict. Why am I overthinking of the things that he is not really doing? Because I am not compacent. Proper communication will give me peace for the entire day.Informing me of the things will not make me overthink. Easy as that. If you have committed the same mistake twice, it's already a choice. Ypu just can't say that you can't promise when in the first place you must have think of the implications of your actions. I may understand if you are a pre-schooler but it's questionable if you are in your mid 20s to repeat such simple mistakes that flares up a fight.
I've had enough of the things. Those arguments that hurt each others' feelings.
And so is he.
He apologized.
I refused.
Why is that? Is it because I love the way we fill the house with hatred at the middle of the night?
No.
Never.
I was lying to the sofa and he got close to me. He held my hand tightly and said "sorry" and kissed my hands.
That is exactly what I was waiting for him to say for our conflict to be over. Indeed.
His way of asking an apology to his  girlfriend.
Not the way of saying "sorry" in a high-pitched voice.
We have patched things up. We held tightly. I hugged him and we sealed our reconciliation with a kiss.

A while ago, he already woke up at 9:41AM. I always wake up with babe hugging me from behind or hugging each other. That time, mama is supposed to be downstairs. I usually go down and greet my mom then she would ask if my boyfriend still sleeps. How really thoughtful mama is. Mama already know that he is the father of my child anyway so sleeping with him with our door locked in full privacy is not an issue to her.
I just said he was already awake and he has to go to work and can't be absent for today. I felt heavy as we bid each other's goodbye. He said goodbye to mama as well.
I'm gonna miss him but we will be in each other's arms next week as he will accompany me to the OB-Gyne and play his role as the dad of our growing baby in my womb.

That's all for now.

Goodnight, Manila!

Good callers despite of having a bad day

I had a caller. She is a property owner of a villa in France. I think she is already an aged woman (67-75 years of age I think). She is very nice. I don't mind if it will affect my Average Handling Time because I won't sacrifice quantity over quality. She is very kind as she even says sorry if I don't understand my simple instructions that I am providing her but honestly, I am in a good heart to repeat my intructions to guide this kind woman that I am talking with up to ten times. We finished our call after 52 minutes. I gave her wonderful remarks that she is a very kind customer of ours becasue normally, I receive calls who are indeed in their peak of emotions and uttering their hatred of the system that I have no control of. She is asking for an assistance on how can she provide a discount. I instructed her word for word. She cannot do it on her end even if I repeated myself three times but I just don't mind as long as I am speaking with someone who share the same respect. I just simply did it on my end and she was very happy for my assistance that I have provided.
She promised me that she will give me a good feedback.
It's highly appreciated.

Having a bad day...
Sunday is the day of the week where the traffic is less. My shift for today is 3:00PM.
I can even leave home at 2:15PM since arriving in the office will be at 2:45-2:50PM depending on the pace of my walk. But what happened, It was already 2PM and I asked my boyfriend to get me a taxi. He did the other way. He booked Uber instead. Okay. That's fine. But as I opened the door, someone I don't know is present in the car that he had booked. I just thought, "Ah carpool siguro to." Fine. I was wondering why we had our way in Quezon Avenue when it is supposed to be in E. Rodriguez Avenue. Alright fine. We can just turn right anyway so we can head to E. Rod. Ave. But the hell! It's already 2:45PM and the other passenger was the one who got her destination in Landmark. It was indeed out of the way. My boyfriend apologized.
I felt bad that time and so was he. When he fetched me from work, we went straight home and he taled to me about it as he was really sorry. He held my hand and kissed it. I'm okay already.

Of priorities and conflicts

Today is supposed to be the revelation day for my boyfriend and I about my current state. We are supposed to wake up by 8AM for us to have another ultrasound just for docuentation purposes to show to my mom. As sleepy as he was, we chose to sleep instead. I already woke up by 11:30. I need to be ready to be early for work. Mama was due for her 4D Ultrasound in Quezon Avenue and prenatal check up to her OB-Gyne since a month from now, she will give birth to another beautiful baby girl. It feels good that I am sharing my bed to someone. To someone I love the most, to someone who will be called "daddy" by the child in my womb, and to someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Isn't it wonderful that you will end your day together, you don't have tobid your goodbyes through the communication lines but rather simply say, "goodnight babe" and a passionate kiss follows? You'll gonna wake up either you kiss him on the lips while you watch him sleep or he wakes you up showering you sweet kisses all over your face. How good is to wake up that way? Well, it was last night that was another time that I could feel his warmth. At the middle of my sleep, his arms would wrap around me and caress my tummy where our baby sleeps too hehehe. I could feel his body, I could feel his breath on my nape and I can feel that he has avery soundly sleep. Yes, he snores. I just aply pressure to the base of his pinky finger as it is where the nerves that would lessen his snoring.
Funny that mama would easily recognize if my boyfriend sleeps in my room if she could hear someone snoring as her room is just adjacent to each other.

23:21
Im about to go home now. I am really tired at work though but that's fine with me. not a problem. As long as I earn a living 😄😄😄😄

Taken from instagram. This was taken last night after work.

Another one 😘😘😘

I finally received his pasalubonv from Hong Kong. He knows how I adore panda 🐼🐼🐼

Weekend work outfit of the day. In our office we are allowed to wear shorts every weekends. Showing off my growing little bump. 

Lights off because we're gonna sleep 😊😊😊

January 28, 2017 post: My mom, sister and my boyfriend's arrival

I woke up with a back pain, a combination of headache and dizziness, slight chest pain, hungry and a strong urge to empty my bladder.
Before I went back to my room and resume my sleep, I lost my drowsiness to sleep. I just made a sermon to my younger manner who is very undisciplined that he couldn't even watch a plate, fork and spoon that has been on the sink since the other day. The reason? It's getting late. But the hell, look at how he move like it seems that he is not running out of time. Early in the morning I am seeing something undesirable which is, ofcourse, usual. He answered me back in a very rude manner! Bastos talaga. Ingrate.
All I can say is that never mess with the person who you seek help to. The moment that that person got tired of giving you favor but you're being rude in return, he/she will lose her drive to help or give you favors in return.
So I went back to my room and decided to go back to sleep instead of thinking over the shitty things that had happened few minutes ago. I changed my position from one to another but hell! I lost sleep. I only had 3 hours of it. I decided to have my breakfast instead to an eatery owned by one of my elder colleague in our running club. Small talks about how my pregnancy is going and they could even ask me about my boyfriend. As a proud girlfirend that I am, I tell them good things about him like how responsible he is and how hardworking and inspired to his work now that he is starting to have a new family. I went back home and I just remebered that mama and Ayen will arrive today. I decided to clean our garage. While I was busy cleaning the clutters, mama called me and I opened the gate for them with awe. I was so happy to see them. I am half-hearted to go to work because I want to spend time with my mom and sister. But I just really have to go to work or else I'm gonna lose the 25% of my incentive. Let me just set aside my emotion so that I may be able to go to work without a heavy heart. Eyes on the prize. That incentive would be a huge amount to add up to my savings. Such motivation though.
My mom decided to take a nap. And I already feel sleepy then. I ent upstairs and head straight to my room and sleep. Babe was calling. I think I am on my second stage of sleep (from shallow to deep). HE told me that he was unable to go here earlier. That's fine with me. I understand. He lacks sleep so let it be. I just said to go here by the time of my dismissal. As much as possible, I don't want him to wait for me for 9 hours (yes, that 9 long, freakin' hours that would turn your eyes all white). Everytime I am going to see him after few weeks, days, hours, and minutes of not being with him, it feels like it was our first time to meet. (I'll be sharing our love story as featured on Valentine's Day  hehehe).
But what matters most is that we will make up for the times that we did not stick to each other (it could be figuratively or the other way though).




"Distance doesn't matter if two hearts share the love to each other"

In few hours, I will be with him again and have someone to sleep with in my room. In our room 😻😻😻

"I know you have the best intentions... but I just feel that I am a very high second priority for you."
"That hurts. And the worst part is I'm get used to it"

We had and argument. I began to gave him a cold treatment and he quickly noticed that. That is not my normal self. He is used to be called with terms of endearment but I chose not to. Yes, I am not mad at him but why is there a gap? He asked. I said that I am just getting used to the things and I am getting tired of waiting for him to talk to me. He is at work. Fine. But that is how (I think) to console and give myself a favor to make a gap. Less attachment so I would miss him less. Instead of crying myself and hear my mind scream like "I wish you were here", I would rather be busy at work and tire myself so when I get home, I will just sleep. But last night's conversation was very emotional. I could not control my emotion. We have hurt each other again. How the hell he asked me if I no longer love him when in fact I do?
I miss him so bad. And it kills me every time I long for his presence. And he saya the same way. He wants me to be by his side.
But this man has a high cognitive ability and broad mind when he believes that love is a wonderful thing but love alone won't feed the grumbling stomach and the needs of his family.
I was enlightened to what he has said. I fully understand but it really comes to the point that I tend to forget but I just need to contain myself.
Mind over matter, okay, Mommy Charlene?

.................. 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓....................

This is my post during the days that I don't have a boyfriend.
God has given me this man as his gift.
My boyfriend is the one of the best gifts I received from God. He is my answered prayer although we already have the signs.
Another best gift? Our baby on my womb now at 11 weeks and 3 days.
🍼🍼🍼👶👶👶💏💗

Goodnight Manila.

Wedenesday workday

The text he sent me. Nevermind the background. He's one of my men anyway. Hahaha
He misses me already hahaha

So it's my first day of work for this week. I feels sleeepy but hey not today, not today. Last night, I was very iritated with the things around me. I notice almost everything. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Even to my mom and even to my boyfriend. My boyfriend was very excited because of the good news he just told me. He said that his start date will be moved 2 weeks later. I am happy about that but I just can't express my excitement as well.
I am just not into the mood. I feel so empty last night. I know that he has priorities and behind those top priorities, I feel like I am only his second best. It hurts but I am getting used to it. When he comes over ofcourse, my heart beats in rage. Like the day I said YES to him. But he already oriented me in the first place that our set up that we eill be away from each other. For me, ok fine. I'll be fine with it. But as time goes by, it makes me want to feel his presence especially during those times that I feel anxious that becomes sadness and eventually turns to be depression (hopefully not). Now that he has a scheduled vist to me, it's not that I am not happy, I am ofcourse. But what if he is about to leave? Another sleepless nights after he has left. I would be longing for someone who squeeze me in a tight hug while talking about light matters until the conversation turns something serious, the one who gives me a deep and passionate kiss before we say goodnight and sleep next to each other and waking up next to someone you love the most and means the whole world to you.
I feel sad talking about such things...
Moving forward, let's talk about work. It makes me become motivated to work harder because every 15th and 30th of the month, I walk my way to the bank to deposit my hard-earned money to my savings account. I have thrown away my idea of getting a credit card. For what? To spend on the things that I don't need that much? To the things that 2-3 years from now will depreciate its value? I have spent thousands already to the things that I really don't need during my early college days. After I have bought such, I star to lose interest a month after and that gadget will just sleep inside my closet or I will just let Hans borrow it.
One thing I learned is that not to settle in small time investments. Invest in long-term ones. Like what? Real estate properties and car. Yes, car will depreciate its value but it seems to be very useful because you don't have to be annoyed with the dust outside or wait for the jeepney/ taxi under the scorching heat of the sun.

6:15PM
I just had my lunch. I ate pasta, fried chicken, a slice of pizza and a cup of rice. I really had no choice. The food in the pantry is not my type so I went out of the building to dine instead.

Well, that would be all for today.

Goodnight, Manila!

:))

Baby engineer at 11 weeks 🍼👶

See how fast time flies. It's been three weeks since we've learned about you. But my baby bump isn't that big yet. Your daddy is sooooooo excited to carry you in his sun-burned arms (you'll soon understand why because daddy works under the heat of the sun and doing some technical stuff at the switchyard) .

A while ago, we are planning what would be your name. What would be your first name initials. I suggested C and J. Like mommy as in Charlene Joyce. Daddy appealed. It was unfair he said. I said it is. J for Joseph ( from his name Ramon Joseph) he just laughed at that but he suggested to make it R and C. 

Well, we will just find out.  I wonder what your gender would be. 

We just hope that you'll be at your best and mommy and daddy are your biggest fans.

Rest day Monday (Late post...sorry hahaha)

Monday is usually the busiest because that is the first day of the week. But it turned out to be a drowsing day for me since I almost slept during the daytime. I don't find any productivity out of it (ofcourse) because that consecutive hours of daytime, I had a nerve-wracking, gut-wrenching headache.
Uhhhhh!!!!!!!
Well, I just need to think of the things that would make me atleast feel the fulfillment. But don't I deserve the luxury of rest? I pay the bills, I spend my hard-earned money buying groceries and food to put something on the dining table so if there is someone who is entitled to act like the owner of this house.

Well, that's all. Just to write my another post for today.
Keep in touch readers!

Sunday workday

Good thing that European people STILL give value to this day as their rest day. On a normal working days, I usually get 30+ calls per day. Some are good and some are really irate calls. Oh come on. Don't be so rude. It is just that you want to curse them back, like, "Madam, if you f*ckin' hate our system, then you are free to cancel your subscription and sign up your listing to <name of competitor>.! You're definitely not a loss!" But I just can't. In this job, I am earning. In this job, I can even buy whatever I want, go to the place I've never been before, buy girly stuff and buy something good to my baby love (hey, take note! I don't want to buy cheap items or my babe, as I buy him goods like Wrangler, Dickies or Von Dutch). I am kinda sleepy right now. But I may even steal a cat nap here in my work station or browse Facebook, view my friends' activities on Instagram, write a new post here or even read tweets. 

A while ago, I was sleeping and I was awaken by my mom's call. The conversation went like this:

Mom: O buntis ka yata. Nag test ka na ba? (You might be pregnant. Have you got yourself checked?)

Me: Di ko po alam. Hindi pa po. Nag pregnancy test po ako negative. 5 times na. (I don't know. Not yet. I tested myself with pt but it appeared to be negative)

At the back of my mind: You're lying!!!

Mom: Magpa check up ka na sa OB-Gyne para malaman natin. Sabi ni Jethro nagsusuka ka daw? Lagot tayo kay papa pag nalaman na meron. (See the doctor for your check up for us to find out. Jethro said you were vomitting lately? Your father will surely get mad in case.)

Me:  sige po. Pag nakuha ko na po yung health card ko sa company para makalibre. (Alright. Until I receive my healthcard (Intellicare), I can have a free check up)

End of conversation...

Okay.. It's not that I'm lying. I am not ready because  I am afraid that my dad might find out.He will surely get mad at me at the great extent. He has always seen me a failure. A black sheep. Their child who is a great shame and disgrace to the family. Whatever my father is going to tell me, I am ready to accept it. I grew up hearing such hurtful words that any daughter do not deserve to hear. Time!

I still have my respect to him. Sometimes I'm losing it but this time, I choose to respect him even if he shows great dislike to me. I can never change the fact that he is still my father even if I turn the world upside down. I think if there is something I can be thankful to him is that I was born in this world and I was given with a good DNA that I can pass to my offspring (daddy engineer must be proud though hahaha). I would still be thankful to his words of wisdom although he delivered it high pitched.

I have a not so good childhood experiences and I have learned from it. Since I am a parent-to-be I already have a schema on how I will raise my child. I want him/her to be comfortable telling me whatever problems that he/she has. I want my child not to learn how to lie. But why do children lie? If they do something that they know that the consequence is a punishment (corporal or verbal), they tend to lie just not to get hurt. I won't be that kind of parent. In case my child did something that will make me upset, punishment won't work. I won't apply it to my child. I will just reprimand him/her in a positive way.

Anyway, I just had my food pass given by our company clinic. I was issued with a memo yesterday by the lady guard. I smuggled a cowhead freshmilk inside. Ugh! I just...just.. i just can't!!! I want to twirl her high tied pony around her neck and kill her in asphyxia.
Now that I have this sh*t, i can now slap it to her face.

 

 Well, the privilege of wearing loosed shirt is that you may be able to smuggle forbidden foods and goods in the floor.I have brought my mobile phone inside and took my selfie hahaha

I am currently having my last break since my shift for today is 4:00AM-1:00PM. Ungodly time still.

Like what Riri said, "work, work, work, work, work".

Goodnight, Manila!

Random

10:48PM
It's avail. Well, I am doing this here in the office.Hahahaha Offense: Browsing non-business related website. Well, I just went to a fight. I was overly reactive I think. I thought I was being ignored. I know that he was busy yesterday because he was hosting a fiesta at his home (that would probably mine too. Conjugal property, remember?) I just want him to check me once in a while. I think I am being so childish for what I acted. I was  wrong. He is supposed to be with me right now but he chose not to. He thinks that I might not welcome him when he knock on our door. Definitely not. I won't. He apologized to me for intentionally not talking to me since this morning. I even rushed myself to the hospital. It is not a work stress-related matter. When I am mentally and emotionally stressed, I tend to have a pain just below the abdomen (I think the baby cries from the inside. Awwww) I got a bleeding and I went to the ER in St. Luke's.  He was sorry for not checking me up how am I doing or even how is the baby inside? He admitted that he was wrong. I apologized to him for what I have said. They were hurtful things. Yeah. I tend to say such when I am emotionally overwhelmed. He asked me if I no longer love him. I couldn't answer straight. I love him so much. So deeply, so dearly. He got mad about me saying that I could not hold on to my promise that I won't leave him. Ofcourse I won't . Never will it happen. Now, things are going smooth. I promised to myself that he is the last man that I will love and definitely he is heaven sent to me who I will spend the rest of my life. He may not be the first man that I have loved but I will make sure that he would see me at my best when my past never see me in that state. I may not change him but I think I will just do my part as a loving partner to make him change his ways without him forcing to do so. He will change not because I want him to but in his own will. And now we are in the beginning of starting a new family, we make sure that we will be good parents and never let our past childhood experiences happen to our child as we want the best for him/her.

Engr. Rj Altamirano, once you have read this, I just want you to remember that it is only my mind that will hate you but my love for you will always be the same and the fact that I keep on falling in love with you, my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my best critic, my brother, sometimes a father, my travel buddy, running buddy, "kalokohan"buddy, the daddy of my child, my better half, my compplementary other, my future husband, God-given gift (09-08-2015), thank you for being the best man I ever had.  I love you so much that no one can break us apart.
Keep the love burning.

Semi graveyard shift 😵😵😵

I am plotted to a 5:00PM-2:00AM shift (that is 9:00AM-6:00PM, London time) . the fact that I hate being at work until the next day arrives. I want to start working to that day and end it the same day. I am not so much into the night differential rate. I won't sacrifice my quality sleep for that. Good thing next week I will be back to my original schedule which is 2:00PM-11:00PM. I prefer that way. I just wonder what if I am currently enrolled? Well, during my pre-pregnancy days I can do things simultaneously. I go to school (Far Eastern University) at 7:30AM-12:00noon class. I rush to the LRT Recto station to go to work here in Cubao for my 2:00PM shift. That was so tiring. To think that I haven't had my lunch yet.
Well, moving forward. If you are mentally exhausted in school it definitely affects your work performance at work. Lack of sleep + school tasks= eshaustion
I tend to be very irritable. But right now, I get so much sleep and I can focus more on work. On top of that, I earn money.

Life of being a Psychology student

"BS Psychology course mo? Sige nga. Anong iniisip ko?"
This is usually the question of some people who didn't really understand the study of this discipline. Oh come on. I certainly don't know what you're thinking as of the moment. I am not a psychic. But don't get me wrong. I can definitely find out what you're thinking by simply observing and listening.
Guys, this field of behavioral science is about the study of human behavior and mind. It is a social science that studies about understanding individuals and groups.
Psychology is the study of behavior and mind, embracing all aspects of conscious and unconscious experience as well as thought. 

Sorry for the late post tho...
Will post mire about this one of these days.

About getting lied on...

How does it feel to listen to somebody else's lies knowing that you already know the truth? It happens to me not just once but several times. You grew up tired with their lies and no longer mind asking probing questions for them to defend their untruthful answers. You grew tired giving rebuttals about the truth that you know when the person you speak with already blinded by his own lies. How could these people lie to someone who always got their back when worse situation kicks in? why lie to someone who has been kind all the time and could even benefit from the kindness that this person has shown.

Come on. just because that person is silent wile looking at you while having a speech to your own lies, her gears are grinding. Her brain functions.

so please. it hurts to be lied on.

My little engineer at its 10th week and Rest day---Sleep all day 💤💤💤💤😴😴😴😴

Tuesday and Wednesday are my rest days. And I don't think that I did something productive. All I did was to sleep all day and nothing more. 😴 I was planning to go to the self-service laundry but then drowsiness attacks. I was planning to clean my room and the entire house but it was just a plan and did not come to life 😒 maybe later I can have my productivity juices flow 😏

Moving on to my occasional lazy attitude, I'm just so happy that my baby is aready at its 10th week 👶🏻👶🏻👶🏻👶🏻

I already have a baby bump. Future engineer inside 🙂😘

I miss the daddy of my baby. He is soon to visit us anyway and he will accompany me for my check up in the OB-Gyne on the 4th of February.

Late post for this one hahahaha sorry 😂

Future plans that matters and current state

This is the picture of yesterday's firing

Babe knows how I love panda

Panda socks as his pasalubong from HK :)) Gonna wear it right away!

My boyfriend and I had a serious talk. He wants me to live with him already. Yes, I would love to. No more long distance relationships at all. But I love my work. I would like to have my own savings that I can use for personal purposes (ofcourse the necessary ones). He said that because he wouldnt want to be away from me so that he may be able to look after us, HIS NEW FAMILY.

11:46PM
29 minutes on the line with a stubborn Brit customer. I extracted all of my product knowledge but it seems to be unacceptable. Hahahaha
As long as I'm getting paid, then fine. Just don't be rude to CSRs because you're not entitle to.
I still have to work until 2:00AM.

Goodnight people.

Stress reliever

I was so stressed this morning because of some sort of family issues. I have said things that I shouldn't have said. If only I was on my mind to think what was right then I could have not done that. After saying those things..Filthy things to my brother actually, I felt guilty. I was portraying someone I am not and I feel guilty about it. But I was triggered. He crossed his boundaries that made my blood boil. Well, I just attended the mass and asked for forgiveness. I need to cleanse my heart full of anger and negativity that come along.

Before going to work, I decided to fully release my stress. Cortisol had taken me over. I could no longer pump some iron in the gym or shake my booty on the dance floor during zumba class since I am already pregnant. I just think of going to the shooting range and test my target shooting skills if it still works though. That is the kind of activity that I wish to have with my boyfriend/partner. 

I went to Stronghand Shooting Range in Cubao, Quezon City, a few minutes of walk away from the office. I highly recommend this place if you want to relieve the stress that you had for the past few months (You can even imagine that you are aiming at that bitch on the target)

Work driven

Well, I left home with high spirit. Hahahaha I just want to earn money so I can ads up to my savings. They said that I have a very high pride where I can simply lie down pretty on my bed but hey! I'm already 21 and supposed yo be independent. I don't know why I feel insulted whenever my parents would still give me money. I feel like I'm a worthless and unproductive ass. I would even want to work on my rest days. Maldives with my love hehehehe

My 20 year old self  #lastyear

It's really hard to be alone when you're conceiving-late post (supposed to be a January 13 blog post)

I already went home by 6AM in the morning since it is too dangerous for me to go home at  the wee hours of 2:00AM where people who has bad intentions scattered in all places around Metro Manila. There is no guaranteed safety after all. So I decided to sleep in the quarters. The hell that people feels so damn hot that they even lowered down the temperature to a shivering 19 degrees Celcius. The blanket available is not enought to maintain my homeostasis even Though I was already wearing leggings and a shirt. I normally arrive at home by 7AM but it was really traffic that would make your eyes rolling again 😒 uh! I went home already by 7:30AM. My stomach was grumbling. I decided to buy my breakfast and go home already. I miss my bed that I am nearly to marry 😂😂😂
As usual, it was very messy. Uh!! I don't wanna stress myself out. I was already stressed at work but I want to stop it there. No extension please!  I ate the breakfast that I bought. It tastes good but my stomach reacted differently. In a matter of two minutes, I vomitted. It was very painful in my chest. I lost my appetite to eat again because I'm afraid to vomit afterwards. I went to my room and do something until I fall asleep. i still have this bad feeling. I feel so sad. I walked around the house and found no one. If only I could sleep, then I would rather be. I hate myself when I do self pity. Eeewwww. That's not normal to me but I just did anyway.


This post is supposed to be published yesterday. It only happened that I was too busy at work.
hahaha

Random thoughts

I'm kinda stressed but motivated. 😊 Grateful still. I miss you babe. I wish you were here. I miss running in a hurry during my break to meet my babe infront of our office and kiss him hello. I miss reading his chat saying that he misses me already and go home with him to think that it is 2 hours left for me to work before out.
He is soon to go back here on Sunday. Ang tagal naman. Uwi ka na babe. Payakap 😔.

This photo was taken at Pansacola Beach Resort, Cagbalete Island, Quezon Province. 

We went there on my birthday and 14th month of being in a relationship so it was a double celebration. Oh it's triple. It was like our initial honeymoon since jan nabuo ang baby namin.

Hahahah

What I like about my boyfriend is he puts an effort to make our day really special by taking me to places that we've both never been before. Given the fact that everytime that we're together is special but going to such places add sugar and spice to make it even more special. 

Home away from home 😭😭😭

8:22AM
I woke up with a warmer body temperature which is quite normal for me but I am already experiencing morning sickness. How I wish babe was here so it wouldn't be hard for me. I still have the same feeling of having no drive to move. I remembered last night. That kiss was indeed memorable. Just like when I spent my holidays (Christmas and New year) in Lumban, Laguna(my boyfriend's hometown) it was the 31st of December around 11:59PM, a minute before 2017 to welcome. We went upstairs, he opened their windows made of Capiz. I sat on the edge. That time he pulled me back and made me lay in his arms he said "Happy new year babe" and kissed me passionately. We ended 2016 with a kiss and we welcomed the new year with a kiss as well. 😘💏👫💋

10:15AM
Again, I just woke up. Everytime I eat my meals regardless of the time of the day, I feel sleepy after. I woke up with a heavy bladder and hungry. I don't know which I'm gonna do first hahahaha so I decided to urinate and eat afterwards (without forgetting to wash my hands though ofcourse!) I grabbed an orange as my snack. Oh myyy! Oversleeping makes you feel even groggy, I'm telling you.  But you know what? I have so many things to do but again, I don't feel like doing anything but hell! I'm so unproductive. Fine, fine, fine. I'm gonna do it later. This would be the very last time to procrastinate.

3:23PM
I got a call from babe. It lasted 00:02:03 that's fine. He simply updated me and it was very quick because international calls are very expensive. But that's fine. He told me that he already wants to go back home as he feels homesick.

9:00PM
We were chatting. My boyfriend kept on saying sorry that he is supposed to be with me right now but I feel sorry for what he feels right now. He wants to go home already.  My boyfriend wants me to live with him. In short, I will be staying in Lumban, Laguna. He worries about my current state. I admire him because he is very much concern to me especially to the welfare of his baby.  As much as I would like to but the problem is I can't leave my work. I need to have my savings. I need money. I don't want to depend on him because I am not the type who always rely on others that's why I grew up with a brave soul.

That's all for today. Well, milk time for me. To the pregnant mom, I recommend Promama or Anmum as your milk since it will give supplementary nutrition for you and your child.

They said that my eyes are prominent. Well, I am a mixed blood of Chinese, Indian and Filipino.
#multiracial
Good night folks!

There is always a rainbow after the rain

5:40PM
We just went to a fight. And that was very bad that made me cried hard that I can no longer handle the pain. 😥😞
I am on my rest day and it is ver hard to be alone. My younger brother is in school so there is no one who I can ask for an assistance. I had a spotting. Maybe it is due to the mental stress that I had lately and I could feel contractions in the area where a 9 week baby grows. It looks like more of a human now and the size is like a grape.  He is on his way to a trip to Hong Kong and I was like, what the fuck? How could you afford to leave your pregnant girlfriend at the time she needs you the most? Well, moving forward, he is on his way on a 3-day vacation with his youngest sister. At first I got mad. He didn't even consult me about that but it was his sister who was working in Oman that time who simply asked him for his date of availability. She already bought a ticket for him without my boyfriend's knowledge. I told my mom about this matter and she simply told me to let him live his life. The plane ticket is not even my money in the first place she said and besides he is with his sister. Alright. I am still learning not to be too controlling. He is my boyfriend, not yet a husband for me to dictate him what to do. Oh gosh! I'm so emotional today. Well, he wants to settle things out. I was waiting for his apology and that is all I want and I'll be fine. We could have avoided further damages. I feel sorry for myself for having too much pride when in fact I'd rather lose the argument than to lose the one I love..

This picture was taken before the UST Paskuhan 2016. Credits to my pretty sister who took us a picture.
I already miss you babe.
6:40PM
He called me once again. We were both ok. It was really traffic he said. He told me his insights and how do he feel right now (he's not ok because he really do not want to go there. If he let his sister go alone on a trip and something untoward happens, he will be in conscience. No choice. The trip must go on. Flight by 10PM. I'm gonna miss him anyway. I understand if he could not pay me a visit anymore. It's getting late.

8:15PM
My phone rang. It was my boyfriend. "Babe san ka?" (Babe, where you at?) I said here at home in my room, eating my dinner. "Nandito ako sa labas" (I'm here outside) he said. I said alright. My heart filled with emptiness suddenly turned to happiness. He find time to visit me even if it was a buzzer beater. I went downstairs and opened our gate. He kissed me. He checked me and our baby if we are fine. I fully appreciate him for that. He placed his head on my lower tummy as if he could hear our baby 😄 The time was not enough for us. We had a very serious talk but in a very short span of time we were able to deal on how things will be going when the baby arrives. He promised to work harder in his new company for us. He was sorry for having my graduation to be quite delayed. We looked into each other's eyes and my eyes were filled with tears as it already fell down. He knew how I wanted to graduate to my course but for my future family, I'm ready to sacrifice. His phone rang and his sister  was already looking for him. They should have arrived to the airport atleast half an hour prior to their time of flight. Before bidding his goodbye to me, I could feel that he is very sad to leave me especially right now that I need him. I just have to look after myself (ofcourse) since I am alone at home. He gave me a chocolate and again, it's highly appreciated 😊😘😍

Twix chocolate. Sweet 😘😘😘
Till we meet again babe! I love you.
I know how much you love our child. I love you both.

Back to the normal grind

9:40AM

I already have my return to work order today. I was on leave for a couple of weeks and 3 days but I don't feel like working yet (or else I won't have my own money). Unlike before, after 3 days of being absent at work, I already miss working but now I'm pregnant, it's already a different thing. I'm no longer capable of moving faster and just by simply lying down in bed, I already feel accomplished and relax. It was like playing Bruno Mars' "The lazy song" in the background. Tomorrow, my pregnancy will be on its 9th week. My boyfriend constantly reminds me to eat healthy, take my supplements and avoid getting stressed as it may affect his child that is already growing healthily on my womb. Well, speaking of my boyfriend, he was really sorry because he suddenly fell asleep while talking to me over the phone. I was stone cold to him right now

"Babe good morning. I didn't know what happened last night. Did I fall asleep while talking to you? I hope you and our baby are okay. Don't be stressed. "

4:56PM: 

I arrived in the office that time or else I will be late if I went there beyond 5PM. But before that, I received a call from my boyfriend while I was on my way to Cubao. "Babe, sa <name of the company> na ko. Naiiyak lang ako dahil sa mga nakasama ko sa company." (Babe, I'm going to work at <name of the company>. It makes me cry because of the people I have worked with." I just comforted him that he will feel that way at first but it will be worth it because of the better opportunity awaits especially now that he will soon to be a daddy to our baby. Anyway, regarding to my work, well, I wasn't allowed to work without fit to work clearance but the doctor will arrive at 7PM.

I decided to go to SM Cubao to buy baby stuff like clothes, bib, boots, mittens, feeding bottle, nipples and pacifier. No. It's not what you think. Those aren't for our baby. Those are for my sister who is about to welcome the world this February or around first week of March.  I wonder how pretty she is! 

Meanwhile, while I was busy selecting baby stuff in the department store when babe gave me another call. He simply told me to read his resignation letter. I have read it and it was plain but meaningful. He can pay a visit to that company since he will always be part of NGCP. Anyway, my boyfriend is a senior engineer at NGCP where he currently works and I am always proud of him and will always be. 😊👏👏👏💓💓💓

7:10PM

I'm already hungry. My baby is hungry too! Bulalo this time.

----

This  post is supposed to be posted yesterday, January 9, 2015 but failed to since I was talking to my boyfriend over the phone and that was a very serious talk since it's about our baby.

Missing my boyfriend 🙇

He just went out from work from his 6Am-2PM schedule and ofcourse he usually gives me a call before leaving his work. He tells me random things especially his future plans since he will be moving to a new company and I am very happy for him that he is to accept the job offer in his new company.  I'm kinda depressed right now. I will be missing school but I think I'll get used to that since I have to focus on my work and to the life growing inside my tummy. I want him to be an engineer like mommy and daddy. A different field though. I'm an industrial engineer, his dad is an electrical engineer. Well, he may want to be in machines or in building homes and properties so he might think of being a mechanical or civil engineer hahahaha.
Our baby will surely make Engr. Rj Altamirano proud 😊
11:28PM
We just talked. He never fails to remind me to eat my meals or anytime I feel hungry.  I paused for a while to drink my milk but suddenly I heard him snoring. I couldn't be mad at him nor tell that my boyfriend is a rude a**hole for sleeping while having me on the other line. He told me a while ago that he felt sleepy during the mass (good thing he already had his communion which he never did from the time we started celebrating mass together 😊😘👏). Well, he's sleepy and so what? I just recorded hos snores and bid him my good night and i love you in a sweet tone so he wouldn't have a nightmare hahaha.
Today is our 16th month of love and he never failed to show how much he loves me and how much he is grateful to me that I finally fulfill his biggest dream.... TO BE A DAD. I LOVE YOU BABE.

The panda stuff toy that he's holding is his anniversary gift to me. 

We wear the same t-shirt since we both studied different fields of engineering in UST. 

😘😘😘😘💓💓💓😘😘😘😘

Nausea attacks

I feel so dizzy af due to my all time sickness. Yung baby sa tummy ko 8 weeks and 5 days na sya. Mommy is so excited for you kahit nabadtrip ako buong maghapon dahil sa magaling kong kapatid. I miss my boyfriend, Engr. Rj Altamirano. Miss ka na ng anak mo hehehe. I just want to thank my high school friend, Jenesis Irish Riego na dumalaw sakin kanina. Di ko man lang napakain ng merienda. Bawi na lang ako sayo next time. See you soon.

2017: The beginning of journey

This will be my first ever post and yet I feel bad right now maybe because it's due to my pregnancy at 8 weeks.

Congratulations Mr. Rj Altamirano 😊

Nakita mo naman ang mga kamag anak ko diba? Magandang lahi naman.

We love you!